How I love, love.

Despite having my heart shattered by the first set of men in my life – my father, and my first love (read that story here) I have maintained relatively optimistic.

Sometimes, too much on the side of romance. 

Although I have stayed hopeful – a part of me kept choosing relationships that I knew would fizzle out, to protect my heart.

That led me to some fun times. It also led me to some hurtful, and, abusive experiences.

It was at the age of 25, after I had experienced a rebirth during 6 months in different mental health facilities that I finally chose a partner more in line with my worth. We will call him Robi in this blog post. A 5 year relationship that nurtured who I was becoming, and I credit this experience for emerging into an author.

As lovely as this experience was, my past habits, the memories of being cheated on, abandoned, and abused, kept creeping in.  Despite the fact that Robi was nothing like the men I had dated before.

HE did not serve as a trigger. My own inner voice did.

As good as this experience was for me, I stayed in this relationship 2 years longer than I should have.

One New Years Eve Robi told me I should break up with him. That he would not live with me, or marry me.

That’s when I went into auto pilot. Between shock and a love coma. I stayed two more agonizing years.

Wavering between agreeable, to distant, to pure outrage. Breaking up with him in my head, over and over.

And, eventually, adopted the same role I did in every relationship before that – going along for the ride, his ride.

I share this with you because this month on the blog I’m focusing on how to Find Your Voice in your relationships: romantic, family, friends, and, so on.

By this I mean to build awareness in your relationships. Who you are in your relationships can be told through how you interact — and then, how you translate these interactions emotionally, inwardly.

In true Find Your Voice theory, I want you to begin by connecting your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Sometimes we work backwards… you reflect on your decision or behavior, notice the emotions that motivated them, and go to the thoughts, the root, the automatic reaction that led you there.

The following 2 nuggets of wisdom will help bring to your awareness this trio in your relationships (thought,emotion,behavior).

 

ARE YOU HEARD?

For you to be heard, the first question I ask, is do you listen? …How do you listen?

If you feel heard in your relationship, you are usually calm. Allowing the other person to express their opinion, emotion, without being jolted by their side of things.

If you don’t feel heard, you are constantly rebutting in your head, or aloud, filling in the blanks, and interrupting. This leads to a cycle of never accomplishing anything in your relationship, and mostly feeling frustrated – by both parties.

The next week-or-two check out how you listen. It can be normal conversation, or a heated and emotional experience. Both serve as good place to tune in.

The answers are in this space:

How you choose to listen (lets you know the hurt inside)

How your choose to react: words, body language, tone of voice.

 

ARE YOU DEFENSIVE?

The things you are defensive about, are old wounds, or new uncertainties.  Whoever you are communicating with will be able to tell you are defensive in your tone and body language.

This changes the way you communicate from the start. Either of you may hear things that are not being said. Both of you will assume more than is being communicated, and often, for the worst.

This is the space to notice what you are sensitive about. To let your partner, mother, sister, or best friend KNOW that you are feeling sensitive in this area.

Often this comes from holding in a old frustration. And in matters dealing with love, it tends to be a tug-of-war between your heart and mind. Your heart sacrifices. Your mind reminds you what you are giving up.

It’s okay to talk about the sacrifice. It’s not okay to hold resentment.

As good as it is to get in your head, it’s just as important to get out of it.

Dive into life below your shoulders, and into your heart.

Stop by my YouTube channel for a variety of yoga and meditation videos.

Sending you tons of love,

Sahar